Taylor's Pregnancy & Postpartum Story

Taylor is a summer student with Cedar Tree Therapy, currently in the Social Service Worker Program at Durham College. She graciously offered to share her story of becoming a new mother in the hopes that it may help someone. A step mom to two children and new mom to her own baby in her early 20’s, Taylor shares her thoughts on seeking out therapy, the overwhelm of motherhood, and postpartum body image struggles.

My journey as a first-time young mom is probably not very conventional. Firstly, it was completely planned with my partner with whom I had only been with for a few months at the time and secondly, I was lucky enough to have it happen so fast I didn’t even have much time to prepare mentally for the journey I was about to undertake.

Not only was I about to be a mother, but I was already playing the role of stepmom to my partner’s two children at 24 years old, “0 to 3” as I like to say! I wasn’t prepared for any of it if I’m being completely honest. All I knew was that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my partner and everything that came with it.

The hormones took me by surprise at first, being that I was the first in my family and first of all of my friends to have a baby, my mom was the only one that could give me any real advice. My moods were so unpredictable, and my anxiety became increasingly worse during the second trimester. With both my partner and I working shift work and having no set schedule with my step-children things were starting to weigh heavy on my mind. What would we do for day-care?Would we have any time left for our relationship? Our off-days with the kids will turn to on-days all the time!

Once our beautiful “ours baby” came into the world my anxiety took a back seat for a little while. Although it was the toughest thing I had ever done in my life, it was so incredibly empowering, rewarding and my favourite experience I’ve ever had with my partner. Arriving back home however, I think that’s where a lot of the anxiety starts for most new mothers. I was very lucky to have my partner, he was the primary caregiver when it came to his own children and had far more experience than most dads. He’d laugh when I’d say “Ok what do I do now!” when it was something that came like second nature to him. It seemed crazy to me that for most new parents they were just expected to take this tiny little human home with them and figure it all out as they went.

When it came to my anxiety, a lot of it stemmed from wanting to be back to my old self so quickly. I was lucky enough to be very active my entire pregnancy my partner often commented that it didn’t even seem like I was pregnant if it weren’t for the beachball on my belly. Waddling around the house in a diaper, however was not something that I had planned on. Whether it’s my age, or just on the society we live in as a whole I felt the pressures of the “snap back” culture. My belly was squashy, and instead of being proud of what my body had just done I was way too concerned with getting back to the way it was before. I was learning to breastfeed around the clock and was completely sleep deprived. There’s a saying “sleep when the baby sleeps!” but it was a little unrealistic as I had a two- and eight-year-old running around the house as well as foolishly trying to complete 6 college courses with a new-born. I was in over my head.

Although I never struggled with postpartum myself, it quickly became apparent to me why so many mothers suffer with their mental health during the months following giving birth. You wake up, someone needs you. Didn’t snap back fast enough? They’re judging you. Bath time. Dinner time. Laundry, again. It never actually ends.

Is it really a surprise we as new mothers are struggling with our mental health? We’re completely neglecting our own needs and feel we just do not have time to make ourselves a priority anymore! Some mothers feel they need to dedicate 100% of their time to their family, but if we’re not taking care of ourselves, we’re not being the best versions of ourselves and therefore not showing up for our family in the best way we’re capable of. My advice? ASK FOR HELP! I enjoy getting my hair and nails done, and just because I’m a mom now, doesn’t mean that has to become a thing of the past. I plan time for myself in advance and ask my partner or family for help. Sometimes even just having a mommy day on the calendar that month reminds me that I am just as important as all of our other 100 to-do’s on there too!

For me, the hardest part was learning to be a new mother while learning to be a stepmother. Basically, when you’re a stepmom, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. If you’re acting like their mom, you’re over-stepping, and if you’re not, you don’t care enough. Now try to juggle the complexities of parenting with your partners ex, when you and your partner would like to raise the kids a certain way but have no control over what the kids are doing or not doing half of the time. When you’re a new mom you have hopes and dreams about the person your child will become and what kind of household you want your baby to grow up in. A blended family means that your child cannot be promised to spend Christmas morning with their siblings or have regular Thanksgiving traditions because half the family is not home for it. This is something I am struggling with and quite honestly, I can’t confidently say I’ve come to terms with the idea of it. In one breath, all I want is a normal family that can have these things but in the other, I would not have this beautiful family if that was the case.

The thought of going back to work gave me severe anxiety. I was losing sleep worrying about who I was going to leave my perfect baby boy in the hands of. Due to the custody arrangement between my stepchildren and their mother, my partner and I do not get to choose where we live. This means we do not get to live close to my family and ultimately do not get those benefits of having their help for things like child-care. Not only did I move away from my family, but ultimately, I moved away from all of my friends and my life as I once knew it. There were so many changes taking place at once. How was this fair? Why does my baby have to go to daycare because of where your ex chooses to live? These thoughts would keep me up at night and I knew something needed to be done about it before this resentment carried onto my partner.

I once thought that therapy was reserved for those who have been through some type of trauma. It wasn’t until I was completely overwhelmed and in over my head that I thought to myself, ok what have I got to lose? I started looking for resources to help me and stumbled upon a couple podcasts and blogs that led me to a really awesome stepmom community. What a lot of these women had in common was their advocacy on therapy and seeking mental health support. After my first session, my body felt lighter. The relief I felt was so intense, I’d actually have to take a shower following my sessions because of how badly my body was sweating! I had realized that talking about my emotions instead of keeping them to myself felt invigorating. By saying things out loud, I was making connections to feelings and behaviours and relating it back to how I had been living my life. I learned that therapy is not only for those who have suffered trauma, it’s for those who want to be the best versions of themselves.

The thought of being selfish is often a fear most new mothers have when it comes to the idea of making their mental health a priority. I want to tell you that it’s ok to be “selfish” sometimes if that means taking care of yourself. I’m not a professional, I’m honestly not even that experienced but what I am, is real. I’m a real mom, who falls short from being perfect every single day. I’m going to keep getting disappointed when it comes to my co-parenting dynamic with my partners ex, and I’m going to get too overwhelmed with being a mom, a stepmom and a wife from time to time, but that’s ok. Working on ourselves is not a job that can be completed because we’re constantly evolving, changing and hopefully growing! When you make a mistake, learn from it instead of beating yourself up. Recognize your own triggers and work on being proactive instead of being reactive. Lean on your support system when you need them and celebrate the small victory’s when you can. You’re doing great mama, you got this.

Body Shame Keeps Us Anxious & Distracted

We aren’t born hating our bodies, however most of us can find something we don’t like about ours.  Toddlers don’t hate their chunky thighs or chubby cheeks. This critical eye in which we view our bodies is something we learn to do. We learn it through small moments. We hear our grandmother compliment our sister’s recent weight loss. Our friend makes a comment while the two of you are out for lunch about how she must order a salad to stick to her diet. In these moments, we are subtly receiving the message that our body needs to live up to the thin ideal, thinner is better, and we must be in constant pursuit to be shrinking our bodies in order to be accepted, or to be viewed as successful or worthy.

We see and hear this type of messaging constantly, more than we might even consciously realize. We start to internalize the message of “your body isn’t good enough” until we think it’s our own voice in our head. It’s not. It's the voice of the body shaming society that we live in. 

Body shame is the intense feeling that there is something wrong with our body the way it is. This can lead to the relentless pursuit to change it or hide it. Body shame causes us to shrink the full expression of ourselves and tells us that our bodies are wrong because we don’t look how we “should”. Body shame can cause isolation, and can cause us to be distrusting of others. We don’t want to get close to others because we are scared of being judged, assessed, evaluated or hurt.

Where Does My Body Shame Come From? 

Your grandmother that compliments other’s weight loss or your friend that talks about their diet, they are not the root cause of your body shame. They are a small part of a much larger picture of generational dieting and diet culture disguised as promoting health that we have absorbed and understood as rules and expectations for how we should look. They haven’t yet begun to challenge and think critically about the systems that contribute to body shame. 

What Can We Do About It? 

We can ditch external rules about food and exercise. When you are hungry, check in with yourself and not a calorie counting app. Move your body because it feels good and lifts your mood, not to close rings. We can let go of external expectations and turn towards internal cues and what feels good to you.

We can have body shame free friends and role models that live in their body without apology, that live with food freedom and don’t let body shame get in their the way. 

When others make comments that perpetuate body shaming, gently explain why it is harmful. We are the people that make up society, so if we would like to change the body shaming ways of society we have to start at the individual level. 

The problem is not your body, the problem is your thoughts about it and the societal messaging we have received that maintains those thoughts. Body shame and living in diet culture keeps you busy, anxious and distracted. Worrying about how you look is a distraction from discovering true self and living freely. If you’d like to explore who you would be and what your life would be like without diet culture and body shame, get in touch with Dana for a 1:1 session.

Author Bio 

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and owner of Cedar Tree Therapy in Whitby, Ontario. Cedar Tree Therapy specializes in treating teens and young adults with anxiety, perfectionism and body image issues. 

www.cedartreetherapy.com

IG: @cedartreetherapy 

Fostering healthy body image

Perhaps you’ve noticed that you teen is overly critical of their body, and is making attempts to hide how they look. Bringing up your concerns with your teen’s body image can be a tense topic. This post is aimed at helping parents discuss the challenging topic of body image with their teens. This conversation can be important for all young people who are learning how to love their bodies as they change and grow. It is especially important if you suspect that your teen is struggling with body image and self esteem. 

Start the conversation with validation. Create an atmosphere of safety and openness by telling them they are not alone in what they are feeling. 

You could say something like:

“ It’s normal to have some bad body image days, some days where you don't feel so comfortable in your body.” 

Go on to say: 

“It's important that you know that your worth isn’t determined by your appearance. Regardless of how you look, you are still worthy of people’s time, attention and respect. I hear that you would like to have the “perfect” body. What I think you might mean is that you would like to feel comfortable in your body. We can feel comfortable in our bodies regardless of their shape or size. Your body is not something to feel shame or guilt about, your body does so much for you and serves you in so many ways.” 

The conversation can be concluded by reinforcing the teen’s own unique qualities and strengths that are not related to appearance. 

You can encourage your teen to try out the following practical strategies if they are struggling with body image. 

• Stop comparing. As hard as it may be, resist the urge to compare yourself to others.

• Unfollow social media accounts that lead you to not feel good about your body. Any accounts promoting potentially harmful behaviours or products don't need your attention.

There are some do’s and don’ts for promoting positive body image with our teenage children. As a parent, don’t comment on a stranger's body, your own body or your teen’s body. Even if you are making a compliment, remain neutral about bodies.
Lastly, the most important tip of all — model positive body image. Teens absorb so much about how they feel about their body from how parents feel about theirs. Remove all “diet” language from the family conversations. Modelling acceptance of your own body will help your teen with acceptance of theirs.

 Author Bio

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and is the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy.  Cedar Tree Therapy is a psychotherapy practice that serves clients 13 and up all across Ontario with anxiety and body image challenges. Dana’s eating disorder experience comes from working in adolescent residential eating disorders treatment centres.